Mmail
by Krinaia
Summary: PostHogwarts DHr. Hermione Granger is Chief Healer at St. Mungo's, and is faced with the task of soliciting donations from Draco Malfoy, the most respected philanthropist in England.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Note: This story was fueled by the lack of Post-Hogwarts D/Hr stories, and is inspired by the ingenious Meg Cabot book "The Guy Next Door". Feedback is very appreciated!

M-Mail Chapter 1

* * *

To: draco.malfoy-ministryofmagic.mag

From: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Sponsorship

* * *

Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for the generous contribution to the new wing of St. Mungo's. Rest assured, the money will not be allotted to "S.P.E.W., R.I.G.G., or the liberation of those effing Cornish pixies", as you so unkindly told me after shoving the check in my hand. Despite the fact that the cause of house elves, garden gnomes, and Cornish pixies have gone dreadfully unnoticed by your charities and the wizarding world in general, I have resigned myself to the fact that they are quite happy with their lot in life, and resent this attack on personal opinions formed when I was fourteen.

Do not doubt my intelligence Mr. Malfoy. Given our personal history, no matter how much the Daily Prophet says you donate to charity, and no matter how many times you land yourself the Witch Weekly's most eligible philanthropist award, I do not trust you. I do not care that the majority of the major wizard institutions have you as their financial backer. I have not forgotten your part in the early days of the war, nor our Hogwarts days. Do not expect any personal favors or otherwise from this institution. We, at St. Mungo's, are intelligent witches and wizards, immune to the politicking in the ministry. We are not in your debt. Do not expect preferential treatment here, nor will we refuse treatment to any of those who you wish ill.

Good day.

Hermione Granger

Chief Healer

St. Mungo's Hospital

* * *

To: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

From: helios.morke-st.mungos.mag

Subject: GRANGER

* * *

GRANGER! You're damn lucky I screen all out-going m-mails, because if Draco Malfoy received this letter you would be out of the job before you could say SPEW. I don't care if you are Chief Healer, a war hero, or Harry Potter's best friend. Malfoy is a bastard, everyone who's met him knows it, but he's a bastard who gives us thousands of galleons in donations every year.

So listen to me very carefully Granger.

You will rewrite that letter, say thank you, give him details of the plans, and ask him very kindly if he would like his name on the new wing we are constructing. The money he just donated will fund your proposed research as well, so if he asks you to kiss his arse, you do it. Got it?

Helios Morke

Director

St. Mungo's Hospital

* * *

To: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

From: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

Subject: What was

* * *

All that yelling about? I've never heard you yell at Morke like that, at least not since the time he stole your Harry Potter limited edition action figure. This isn't about your proposal for the special line in the cafeteria for house elves, is it? Because you've really got to focus on the people you're supposed to be healing.

Come on, let's grab a bite at Parvati's new café.

Padma

* * *

To: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

From: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Where are you?

* * *

Hermione, where are you? I can't eat lunch with just Neville! Do you know what happened? He made me eat vegetarian dishes. Vegetarian! Save me!

Padma

* * *

To: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

From: hermione.grager-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Re: Morke

* * *

For your information, Morke has been reading all out going mmails. Yes, you heard that right. He intercepted my letter to Draco Malfoy and made me sit at his desk, and write another one. The nerve of the man. At least now we know why he knew all about Tim's affair with Nathan.

I've attatched my letter to Malfoy. Morke told me just to edit the insensitive parts out and put in all the pleasantries I could manage. Do let me know if it contains enough arse-kissing to please him.

Hermione

P.S. Vegetarian isn't that bad, surely. If it makes you feel better, some of the plants Parvati uses could have been animal like as well. Just ask Neville. 

Attatchment 1:

Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for your contribution. Rest assured, the new wing will have your name on it.

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger

Chief Healer

St. Mungo's Hospital

* * *

To: hermione.granger-st.mugos.mag

From: draco.malfoy-minstryofmagic.mag

Subject: Re: Thank You

* * *

Bite me.

* * *

Author's note: Be kind. Review! 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

* * *

To: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

Cc: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

From: delilah.zedler-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Neville Longbottom

* * *

Darlings! Wouldn't you be dears and stop Neville Longbottom from switching the coffee in the lounge to that awful new blend? I know we've been cost-cutting, but honestly! Doctors cannot function on weak coffee. It tastes like lighter fluid.

Del

P.S. Hermione, do be a dear and tell me when Harry Potter is visiting you next? He was magnificent in the game against Puddlemere. I'd love to hear his opinions. Tata!

* * *

To: Delilah.zedler-st.mungos.mag

From: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Re: Neville Longbottom

* * *

Del you're not a doctor dear, you're the cosmetology consultant. Why are you drinking our stale old coffee anyway? With your family's money, you should be donating good coffee to fuel the caffeine-crazed doctors.

Hermione

P.S. You must think I'm mad if I'll let Harry near you again. The last time you wanted a "quick chat" he was so flustered he poured sugar in my paper clip container instead of his coffee cup. Harry doesn't do fame well. Or groupies.

* * *

To: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

From: Delilah.zedler-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Harry

* * *

What he doesn't know won't hurt him. :D

Del

* * *

To: helios.morke-st.mungos.mag

From: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

Subject: You sneaky devil.

* * *

HELIOS! WHERE DO YOU GET OFF READING OUTGOING MESSAGES?

Those mmails are PRIVATE. We could sue for this! You have violated your oath as a health care professional and have proved you are nothing more than an old balding gossip. I'm complaining to the Ministry about this!

Padma

* * *

To: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

From: helios.morke-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Re: You sneaky devil.

* * *

I don't know what you're talking about Patil.

Helios Morke

Director

St. Mungo's Hopsital

P.S. You're dating Ron Weasley? Honestly woman. They're called standards.

* * *

To: helios.morke-st.mungos.mag

From: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Tell and die

* * *

If you tell anyone there will be consequences. Mark my words. The humiliation of the squirting kettle incident of '05 will be nothing compared to what I will do to you. Ravenclaw loyalty be damned.

Padma

* * *

To: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

From: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Revenge.

* * *

Meet me for lunch at that new restaurant near the Ministry. I've got to get even with Helios. He's got some important lunch date.

Padma

* * *

To: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

From: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

Subect: Re: Revenge

* * *

Oh, so that's why he's been preening. I can't Pad- I'm swamped with work. I'm doing a final round of editing before I submit my paper to _Medical Wizardry_. Besides, I'm hurt Helios knows something about you that I don't. Why won't you tell me?

Hermione

* * *

To: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

From: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Re: Re: Revenge

* * *

None of your business. But Helios's lunch date is!

Guess who guess who guess who?

No, I don't have enough patience to wait for a reply.

It's Draco Malfoy!

So are you coming?

Padma

* * *

To: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

From: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

Subject: I'm in

* * *

Meet me in the ladies room in 5 minutes. Helios might be monitoring these.

Hermione

* * *

To: orion.starr-wizwigs.mag

From: helios.morke-st.mungos.mag

Subject: URGENT.

* * *

I need a new toupee AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Someone set my old one on fire.

Helios Morke

Director

St. Mungo's Hopsital

* * *

To: padma.patil-st.mungos.mag

Cc: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

From: Delilah.zedler-st.mungos.mag

* * *

Subject: I cannot believe

You'd plot against Helios without asking for my help. Am I not the mastermind of the legendary squirting teakettle incident of '05? Honestly darlings. Helios was spitting tacks after that meeting. There are a million and one cases of gobblegobble and stinkxers heading your way. When messing with higher-ups, make sure not to get caught! You do that again, you tell me first!

Del

P.S. I've got to give you props on the backfiring wands though. I heard Draco Malfoy was yelling murder after Helios accidentally singed off his right eyebrow.

* * *

To: blaise.zabini-zabiniandnott.mag

From: draco.malfoy-ministryofmagic.mag

Subject: URGENT

Zabini,

I am going to sue Hermione Granger. Enclosed is how EXACTLY I want her to pay for her crimes. Meet me in my office tomorrow at three and we'll talk about it.

Draco

* * *

To: draco.malfoy-ministryofmagic.mag

From: blaise.zabini-zabiniandnott.mag

Subject: Re: URGENT

* * *

Malfoy, I read the police you filed after the incident. You can't sue Hermione Granger. You cannot sue her for endangerment of person nor psychological damage. Merlin knows you did enough to her while we were at Hogwarts. If I know Granger, and I do, she'll file a countersuit. You've done worse to her and you bloody well know it! You'd be on the loosing end for sure. She takes care of people for a living. She's a war hero _and_ a healer. The minute she brings in Potter and Krum as her character witnesses, your case would be dead in the water.

Blaise

* * *

To: blaise.zabini-zabiniandnott.mag

From: draco.malfoy-ministryofmagic.mag

Subject: Re: Re: Urgent

* * *

You're fired.

* * *

To: draco.malfoy-ministryofmagic.mag

From: blaise.zabini-zabiniandnott.mag

Subject: I'm fired?

* * *

You can't fire me, you never hired me. Besides, I thought you hated Hermione Granger? Suing her means seeing her again and again. Trials, meetings, plea bargaining. You'd probably see more of Potter and Weasley too.

Blaise

* * *

To: blaise.zabini-zabiniandnott.mag

From: draco.malfoy-ministryofmagic.mag

Subject: Re: I'm fired?

* * *

But I've got to get back at her somehow Zabini! She embarrassed me in front of Neville Longbottom. When Longbottom is laughing at you, you have hit rock bottom. I need to get back at her. Got any ideas?

Draco

* * *

To: draco.malfoy-ministryofmagic.mag

From: blaise.zabini-zabiniandnott.mag

Subject: Idea

* * *

I'll floo over to your place tomorrow. I just discovered the St. Mungo's Hospital annual budget. Completely by accident of course.

Blaise

* * *

To: helios.morke-st.mungos.mag

Cc: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

From: draco.malfoy-ministryofmagic.mag

Subject: My contribution

* * *

Dr. Morke,

Let it be known that I am appalled by the behavior of your Chief Healer. I am offended by the treatment I was given at our lunch meeting and will cease all contributions to Dr. Granger's department.

Draco Malfoy

* * *

To: hermione.granger-st.mungos.mag

From: helios.morke-st.mungos.mag

Subject: Fwd: My contribution

* * *

In my office, NOW.

Helios Morke

Director

St. Mungo's Hopsital

(Forwarded message attatched.)

* * *

Author's Note: Thank you to my reviewers! This chapter would have been out sooner but I really didn't know what to write. I'd really love all your ideas plot-wise. I just had to write this fic because an m-mail story is adorable, but... grr... Heehee. Writer's block. 

And a philantropist is someone who donates to charity. :D


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